Adventures at the business end
Unlike a lot of my mates who had already been through the "male side" of childbirth, I was pretty relaxed about being in the delivery room with my wife when D-Day arrived.
First and foremost, because I wasn’t the one who was going to have to push out the equivalent of a golf ball through my bell end, but also because I was clever enough to enter into a pact with my wife about my role on the day.
We had agreed that I would be there for her during the whole experience and be the helpful, caring and mature birth partner she needed on one condition: I would not go down "the business end" under any circumstances.
For one night only, her nether regions were going to revert to "first date mode" - a strictly no-go area.
My reasons for not wanting to go down the business end were plentiful:
1. I’m not a big fan of seeing blood, especially when it's blood from someone I love.
2. I like to think of that region as a fun area for me, and I was scared of being scarred for life by seeing something (un)natural going on down there.
3. I’ve seen Alien.
Ah, the best laid plans…
Several hours later, with my wife struggling with a long labour and the pain that comes with it, the midwife said to me: “Dad, just come over here, grab mum’s leg and rest it on your hip. The baby is coming.”
Without thinking, I did as I was told (I’m a sucker for a woman in uniform, even the fifty-five-year old earth mother-type) and before I knew it I was right next to the one place I said I’d never go.
My eyes were fixed straight ahead, but curiosity was killing me. Just as I can’t help myself looking a couple of lines ahead at the end of a novel to find out the plot twist, I felt my head being pulled to look towards "the gateway of life" to see what it looked like.
To cut a long story short, I looked…and it looked exactly how I thought it would look: a stretched vagina with a small head coming out.
But any thoughts of horror or mental scarring didn’t materialise; all I could think was what an amazing thing I was witnessing: my wife giving birth to our child.
And I don’t seem to be affected by the experience.
Just as women are said to be able to block out the pain of childbirth in order for them to go through it all again, I think I’ve blocked out the sight of my son’s head coming out of my wife’s hoo-ha so I can continue to have a healthy married sex-life (once a fortnight – get in there!!).
The point is that while it’s great to make a plan during pregnancy and childbirth, as a soon-to-be dad you need to be flexible and adapt to the circumstances as they happen.
Try not to say "never" and, if you do, be prepared to go back on your word.
You might find that one of your greatest fears turns into one of the greatest moments of your life.
Paul Hansford is the co-auhtor of our second title Mixed Martial Arts, and a prolific contributor to a number of magazines and publications.
Comments
On Tuesday, November Nov 2012 Kim said...
“I was there at the birth of our first chils and all went well until I was unfortunate to see my wife's "parts" being stitched up. And she wasn't even drugged up. Every time I think abouit it I wince.”
On Thursday, November Nov 2012 Simins said...
“I had no intention of being at my wife's side during labour (we mutually agreed) and it has done nothing to diminish our relationship with her and my newborn son. Horses for course I say.”
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