Evolution And Its Blunders
I think evolution is an incredible thing.
Graduating from primeval sludge to (by and large) intelligent creatures, we are complex beings, capable of incredible things.
But, in relation to the procreation of the species, I feel that evolution made a few nonsensical errors along the way. These are my Top 4:
#4 Standing upright is an incredible evolutionary breakthrough, and being petite is often useful for picking up toys from under the dining table. But a terrible consequence of these new-found abilities is we’re now built in such a way that we can’t always get fully developed babies out. At least nowadays we can overcome this problem with modern medicine, but if I was out in the caves, I wouldn’t have made it through either of my births.
#3 Defenceless and susceptible to every possible infection and disease, our babies are utterly dependent and vulnerable. Don’t get me wrong, I love to care for my newborns and thankfully we now have the ability to build protective, hygienic homes, far away from the dangers of hungry bears and dinosaurs. But being born with a kevlar-strength immunity would be hugely beneficial to the human race and save a fortune on baby panadol. So, as my toddler struggles her way through her sixteenth cold, and the fourth infection of Hand, Foot & Mouth, I’m more than a little exhausted at how flawed this situation is.
#2 If they’re honest, I’m sure every parent, at some point in newborn-land has begged the phrase, “Please go the f*ck to sleep.” Because the inability to naturally put oneself to sleep is surely the most frustrating evolutionary oversight. However, several years of incessant sleep deprivation will undoubtedly knock us off our perch faster, thus making space for the next generation earlier.
#1 By far the most ridiculous trait I’ve come across in my life as a parent is one that still never ceases to shock me – that is, the very basic instinct that all babies have to put everything in their mouths...Everything.
This week I have chased the following things from my toddlers lips:
A ping pong ball.
A crayon.
Several pieces of possum poo.
Unknown garden berries.
A large stick.
Decorative garden stones.
Mulch.
More mulch.
A remote control.
My phone.
My phone charger.
A stapler.
That is not to mention the stuff I resigned myself to letting her chew on: a coaster, a calculator, a range of shoes, a magazine, and a shopping trolley, to name a few.
The childcare nurses tell me it’s because a baby’s sense of taste is the first to develop, so they experience the world through their mouths. But – ahem – evolution? Surely you would step in at this point and evolve something more suitable...like sight, first?
I’m no expert, but I would hazard a guess that it is much safer to take a sneaky peek at some blu-tac, than instantly attempt to ingest it.
And as my heart goes out to the hundreds of little stone-age toddlers that inevitably met a tragic end as they swallowed rocks or chewed strange brambles, I often wonder how we actually managed to be where we are today.
A.J. Sutherland is the author of our latest title How To Be The Perfect Dad And Not F**k Things Up, which is available from this site and all good bookstores, and in downloadable form via iTunes and Amazon, among others.
Comments
On Friday, July Jul 2013 FatiguedMom said...
“Thanks A.J. I saw your book online and am now tempted to buy it. My youngest has already been to the hospital for ingesting things like paperclips and a small bolt. Doesn't deter him. I think it's worse in boys - my two daughters liked sucking on things, especially when objects were covered in dirt and muck, but never swallowing. Thanks god!”
On Saturday, July Jul 2013 Graeme said...
“Maybe, in nature's cruel and unforgiving way, this is how we keep the population down. Back in the bad old days, it was only the strongest or smartest that survived, which was very much a Darwinian perorgative. ”
On Tuesday, July Jul 2013 Karen said...
“If it's bad enough for us humans, imagine how the mothers in the animal kingdom must be coping.”
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