The guilty pleasures of a working mum
I had a choice today.
Option A – Demolish my bathroom with a sledgehammer.
Option B – Look after my kids.
I chose the sledgehammer, and despite it being a 35+ degree day, I’m certain I made the right choice.
Now, this either reveals a lot about my relationship with my children, or proves precisely how much fun a sledgehammer can be.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids dearly. But I do also have a bigger picture view on my role in the family and the person I like to be... I’m not just a mum.
Yet every moment with that sledgehammer was peppered with conflict — the mum in me feeling guilty for not being primary carer for a few hours, colliding with the thorough satisfaction of being able to demolish walls and hopefully setting a strong and confident example to the kids.
But why do we always feel such absolute guilt at having our own lives? And do dads feel it too?
I decided to investigate…
Now I know every family dynamic is different, and what I discovered is by no means the case in a lot of houses.
But in my immediate circle, a quick survey sprung up some rather surprising results. Because it appears that modern dads have their very own version of family guilt. However, rather than burden themselves with the rather exhausting version that mums often carry, it’s a much more preferable interpretation...
Mum guilt = Mum guilt seems to be a daily part of life. I personally fret about everything when my kids are in care: “Did I dress them in the right clothes? What are they doing right now? Will I manage to pick them up on time? What will I make them for dinner? Will they eat dinner?”
All that is interwoven with the 24/7 internal anxiety of, “Am I doing it right? Will they hate me when they are seventeen? Am I stuffing up their lives by letting them play too much Angry Birds?”
Dad guilt = Much more straightforward; it’s predominantly: ‘I’m not doing enough.” From the many fathers surveyed, dad guilt only seems to raise its ugly head when kids are left with the mother, and the guilt is more about concern for the partner handling the children alone, rather than a result of worry about the children themselves!
Maybe this is because roles in many houses still tend towards the traditional gender roles. Maybe it’s because women see parenting as the ultimate test, whereas men see it as a slightly exhausting extension to their already busy lives.
Whatever the reason, it has inspired me to be more dad-like. Spending less time worrying, I will now endeavour to put that fleeting 1990s dalliance with yoga to the test: To be in the moment and enjoy the finite time I have with my children... and swing a sledgehammer with pride!
(But... Am I smashing this gyprock right?... What about all this dust?... Did Mr4 have enough veggies yesterday?... What school will he go to? ... Was that the baby crying? ... Geez I’m tired! ...)
A.J. Sutherland is the author of our latest title How To Be The Perfect Dad And Not F**k Things Up, which is available from this site and all good bookstores.
Comments
On Sunday, February Feb 2013 SimoneK said...
“My philosophy - and I now raise two children on my own - is to get myself in a calm and happy space, and all else follows from there. I may not be able to use a sledgehammer (a hammer, yes) but I'm handy with fuses, lighbulbs, screws and other round-the-house stuff, and most of the time I'll involve the kids in the work. My former husband did all that stuff himself, so when we broke up I had to learn quickly. I just plan, take a deep breath and think of it as extended playtime with rewards afterwards 9a paddle pop with the kids, a glass of wine for myself). Strangely, it works. ”
On Sunday, February Feb 2013 Teri said...
“Good timing with this post, considering we're up to our ears in renovations. Frankly, I have no qualms - I pack the three kids off to their grandparents, where they usually get taken for walks or watch a movie, leaving me and my partner to rebuilding our house. I feel no guilt, the children come back relaxed and glad to see nan and pops, and we're exhausted but elated because we've made progress, no matter how incremental. Having said that, we would struggle without extended family. Good post A.J.”
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