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D.B. Tarpley's Amazing Ass Blog - Part 9

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Greetings people and peoplettes.

This is a time of the year that gets under my skin a titty little bit.

Now, I am not one to complain. (For those of you who know me, I’ll let that sink in a moment.)

I hate to say it and normally I am a “live and let live” guy, but especially with the prolific explosion of social media these past ten years the whole “I am thankful for…” countdown to Thanksgiving is complete and utter bullshit.

For those of you who don’t know what this is: this is where someone - usually a self proclaimed devout American Christian, magnanimously proceeds to tell us all – beginning November 1, each and every thing they are thankful for, one day at a time, up until Thanksgiving.

(Incidentally, given the transient nature of the holiday, this can be anywhere from twenty two to twenty eight days. Luckily they seem to have the exact number of things to be thankful for each year – odd that.)

And, of course, the whole point of this seems, at least to me, to show the world what a wonderful and caring person they are by picking humble ways in which God has blessed their lives.

This is because it is He whom they are thanking.

No one ever says, “I am thankful for my Xbox 360.” Or “I am thankful for my Lamborghini Diablo.” Or “I am thankful my girlfriend has finally learned to throat my cock without vomiting on my balls.”

It’s always, “I am thankful for my family.” Or “I am thankful we have enough to eat.” Or “I am thankful for the fellowship of the brothers and sisters of my church.”


You don’t thank God to make yourself look like a better person.

That seems to me to defeat the whole purpose of gratitude and play into the arena of public piety.

You can’t only thank him for the good stuff in your life either. If you believe in creative intervention and show it by thanking Him for all the ways in which he has blessed your life then you have to believe in creative intervention in everything which has happened in all our lives.

So, in the spirit of Thanksgiving, I thought I would thank God for some of his greater achievements of late.

I am thankful that God allowed abortion to be legalized in America and elsewhere around the world. It certainly helps quell the population explosion and rids the world of all those extra unwanted mouths to feed.

I am thankful for AIDS and all the other venereal diseases which God has allowed to develop. These help to remind us all of the importance of responsibility when it comes to sex rather than reducing what is essentially the creation of life and the devotion of two people’s love for one another to mere entertainment – often couple’s masturbation.

I am thankful for child abuse - be it sexual, physical, or mental as these individuals often later translate their pain into wonderfully poignant art which serves to entertain us all throughout the course of our pale mundane lives. Thank you God for causing all those children to be abused.

I am thankful for State sanctioned murder. Good one God.

And finally, I am thankful for man, without whose inventive nature God would never have been created to allow all these wonderful things to happen; and to slap an easy convenient explanation on every unanswered question man didn’t know the answer to.

Thank you God for allowing man to invent you.

And thank you patient reader for reading. Until next time, eat until you shit your pants and have an amazing ass Thanksgiving.

(Because in the end, it really is all about the turkey.)

D.B. Tarpley's Lick the Razor is available on this website as a downloadable eBook or from other sites such as Amazon, iTunes, etc.


On Monday, November Nov 2013 C Michael Douglas said...

“To the non-believer....the Bible is just another book. To every true Christian...the Bible is a life connection to eternity. Intercessary prayer is all we can offer the nonbeliever unless God places a particular person in our path that He and He alone can prepare for witnessing.”

On Monday, November Nov 2013 Sisi Kirkwood said...

“I see what you did there....running the race from the other direction. Well played Tarpley.”

On Monday, November Nov 2013 Mark&Paul said...

“Just saw your comments on your facebook page. Thanksgiving is one of our greatest holidays and should not be mocked. You should be ashamed.”

On Monday, November Nov 2013 D.B.Tarpley said...

“I have nothing but the utmost admiration for a strong, heartfelt individual spirituality. Unfortunately, the loudest and most boisterous believers in Christ would be equally as ardent in their support of Allah had they been born in a Muslim country. Their zealotry is usually derived from social context rather than individual thought. If the Christian/ Judeo bible were to be taken literally by anyone, believer or non, then the laws set forth in Exodus, Leviticus, Judges, Numbers, and Deuteronomy would bring about the destruction of society or common sense as we know it. And to my knowledge, new covenant or no, those laws have not been repealed by the time you reach the end of Revelations. At least, not in any of the five times I have read the book cover to cover. This holiday enjoy the fellowship, drop the Dogma, and peace be unto thee.”

On Monday, November Nov 2013 D.B.Tarpley said...

“Damn advanced technology, didn't mean to post that twice. Oh well, Surprisingly I'm not Mark and Paul... surprisingly I am not.”

On Monday, November Nov 2013 GP said...

“From the Publisher: Second post now deleted. Continue as you were...”

On Monday, November Nov 2013 Janet said...

“I agree with C Michael Douglas. You are disgusting!”

On Monday, November Nov 2013 D.B.Tarpley said...

“Janet I don't believe Mr. Douglas said anything of the sort. And incidentally how very Christian of you to think so. I believe that is exactly what Jesus did every day of his travels, walk up to people he didn't agree with and say "You disgust me!" In fact I believe it is that very thing which made him endearing to the world as a whole. Tolerance... Yes, I believe that is what he called it. Have a lovely Thanksgiving and a blessed life. Peace be unto thee.”

On Tuesday, November Nov 2013 Simple Simon said...

“If you're thanking God, why are you cussing all the time? That's unGodly.”

On Tuesday, November Nov 2013 D.B.Tarpley said...

“Please educate me Mr. Simon on exactly why that is unGodly. Do you believe the lord and master of all space and time limits himself to certain words? Do you believe his personal vernacular includes the 'thou's and 'tho's included in the most quoted translation - the King James Bible? Or do you think it may be possible that a creature such as that, by which I mean one capable of creating such complicated and intricate constructs as both sunsets and 'The Dukes of Hazzard', might - maybe just might - be beyond such simplistic forms of communication as mere language... mere human alphabets... mere human conceit. What do you think Mr. Simon? I am dying to fucking know.”

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